101 Things in 1001 Days

Write

2009-06-12T09:17:00.000+01:00

I love to write. It frees me, if that makes any sense. It clarifies the million thoughts I sometimes have swirling around in my head. When I am feeling clogged up and my energy levels are low – I write. But I haven’t written anything in a year neither here nor in a journal – apart from shopping and To-Do lists. And writing this makes me realise just how much I have missed it. But that is all about to change. To ease me into writing once again I have turned to my old favourite – 100 Words. I welcome you old friend.

(100 Words)

Mondo Beyondo Part 2: Intentions for 2008

2008-01-12T23:01:00.000Z

It is my intention this year to give up my job and begin my business. It is my intention to make two handbags and two other craft projects a week. It is my intention to source for ethnic ethical African goods to sell. It is my intention to get my Etsy store up and running by the end of March.

It is my intention to develop spiritually this year through prayer, meditation, yoga and exploration. It is my intention to have an open mind and be ready to receive all the goodness that is coming my way.

It is my intention to live in the NOW of life and not project too much into the future thus worrying about things I have no control over. It is my intention to let go of the past and not let it eat me up. It is my intention to forgive.

It is my intention to build on my relationship with my daughter – to cut down on my yelling and to engage more with her. It is my intention to be more in control of the relationship and not let my buttons be pushed by her so much.

It is my intention to take care of my body – it is a temple and I intend to treat it as such. It is my intention to be more mindful of what I feed it, how I treat it and to listen when it speaks to me. It is my intention to nourish it with the best foods I can find.

It is my intention to live authentically this year. To be true to myself and my belief system. It is my intention to listen to others but to follow my heart at the end of the day and not base my life choices on what other people think.

It is my intention to rid myself of all negative energy both internal (i.e negative thoughts, negative affirmations and negative actions) and external (i.e negative friends, bad TV, mindless literal media, idle chatter).

It is my intention to be more mindful of the language I use in daily life. Language I use in regards to myself, others and the world at large.

It is my intention to form opinions, make judgements and decisions from an informed perspective and not from the perspectives of others.

It is my intention to take control of my temper and my moods, to breathe and walk away when it all overwhelms. It is my intention to not let my mood for the day be dictated by an occurrence, event or external force. It is my intention to allow my happiness, peace and calm come from within.

It is my intention to put these intentions into practice.

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part One: Completing

2008-01-09T21:46:00.000Z

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

My greatest achievement for 2007 was giving birth to my beautiful daughter. She has taught me that it is so much easier the second time around! She brings me such joy and after two years of trying to conceive she truly is a blessing.

My greatest discovery of 2007 was Yoga. Where have I been all these years? Living under a rock?? By far the most calming, centering, pleasurable physical and spiritual practice ever.

I’m glad I persevered with my blog(s) even though I questioned what the point was on some days. I barely had the time to blog and when I did manage to squeeze a post in nobody was reading!! But I’m, erm, above that… I blog for myself not for anyone else… I truly believe that, I truly believe that, I truly believe that….

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

I grieve the fact that I came home from hospital the same day I gave birth. In hindsight, I should have spent a night or two just to rest. I haven’t rested (in the real sense of the word) since.

I grieve that I didn’t make or sell a single handbag in 2007 and so ended up not starting my business as I thought I would.

I grieve that I let myself be pressured into stopping breastfeeding sooner than I intended to. And I’m still mad about it.

I grieve that I let myself be consumed far too often by negative energy.

I grieve that I severely neglected my faith.

I grieve that I didn’t take enough leaps of faith and act on my instincts more.

I grieve that I ‘let my body go’ and fed it junk when it was crying out for care and kindness.

But for all these I forgive myself and move on.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

I may not have achieved all that I set out to at the beginning of the year but sometimes circumstances and events take over. Having a 2 hour labour and a gorgeous (now 7 month old) baby daughter more than makes up for it.

I DECLARE 2007 COMPLETE!

2008 IS MY YEAR OF AUTHENTICITY

Thank you to Andrea for this liberating exercise.

My Word for the Year

2008-01-01T18:07:00.000Z

My theme for 2008 is

AU. THEN. TIC. I. TY
n. The quality or condition of being authentic, trustworthy and genuine

What’s your theme for the year?

Wellness Wednesday: The best thing to do ...

2007-12-05T21:48:00.000Z

Just breathe in and walk away

Friday Fill-In #48

2007-11-30T22:00:00.000Z

1. When my blog is broken, I feel like a part of me has been extinguished.

2. I saw the most amazing smile from my baby this morning!

3. _____ is the new movie I'm most looking forward to seeing. Movies? What movies? (:) having two little ones doesn't leave me much time for this pasttime!)

4. Work: Necessary but about to be canned!!!

5. Of all the new tv shows, I enjoy Rick Steins Mediterranean Escapes the most.

6. If only I could stop procratinating so much.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching Project Runway and hanging up the advent calender for my daughter which I have filled with little gifts for each day until Christmas ( I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees it in the morning), tomorrow my plans include baking two banana cakes first thing in the morning for a baby christening on Sunday and then going for a birthday party in the afternoon and Sunday, I want to relax really but I can't as I will be attending the christening!

Wellness Wednesday: Realization

2007-11-28T21:29:00.000Z

LIVE IN THE PRESENT

Unconscious Mutterings 251

2007-11-25T22:53:00.000Z

1. Filthy :: beast
2. Therapist :: couch
3. Duck :: feathers
4. Slant :: eyes
5. Artist :: paint
6. Lease :: flat
7. Wish :: bone
8. Doormat :: welcome
9. Global :: warming
10. Apartment :: New York

Friday Fill-in #47

2007-11-24T08:26:00.000Z

1. I enjoy being creative (and on my own) more than anything else.

2. Blogging satisfies my need for expressing myself, connecting with other (like minded) people and writing.

3. When I look at a full moon, I feel overawed everytime.

4. If I want a snack, I usually reach for a glass of warm milk and two slices of honey smothered toast.

5. The most recent movie I saw, Hitch, made me laugh out loud all over again. (I just love this movie)

6. If only I could decide on what I really wanted to do with my life then I could get moving!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to curling up with my book, Eat Pray Love, tomorrow my plans include going down to the German Market to stuff myself with Bratwurst and Sunday, I want to go to the craft fair at the Botanical Gardens!

MSL Day 8: Yoga

2007-11-21T19:40:00.000Z

Inhale. Relax. Breathe. Exhale. Meditate. Relax.

Sacred

Pictures from http://www.yogawithamey.com/stickfigures.html

MSL Day 7: My baby’s health

2007-11-14T16:31:00.001Z

With all the additives and preservatives that are put in food these days I am very reluctant to give my baby ready made food out of a jar – I think they don’t have much nutritional value either. With this is mind I busied myself making purees for her today – what you can see in the picture is pureed carrots, sweet potato, parsnips and broccoli. They have all been put neatly into their individual compartments ready for freezing. She is sacred to me so I’ll do everything to give her a good – and healthy – start in life. PLUS nothing beats the satisfaction you get from knowing you made it all yourself!

MSL Day 6: Books

2007-11-13T21:05:00.000Z

I have gone a little crazy this month buying books. But I LOVE these. The print, the look and the ENERGY of these books are just amazing. Each page holds an A-ha!, a titbit of wisdom or some simple fun activity to do and this is what makes them sacred to me. Looking to be inspired and motivated? These are the books for you (from top down)

How to make a journal of your life by Dan Price
Bloom ( a journal) by Lynne Franks
French Women For All Seasons byMireille Guiliano (its spiral bound so you can’t make out the title in the photo, this one is for the foodie in you)
To Do List by Sasha Cagen
Living Out Loud by Keri Smith (what took me so long to get this one?!)
Quickie Stickies by Karen Salmansohn (inspiring post-it notes)
Do Nothing to Change Your Life by Stephen Cottrell
Sarks New Creative Companion by Sark (a delightful book just looking at it makes me happy)

Unconscious Mutterings 249

2007-11-11T10:51:00.000Z

1. Treadmill :: gym
2. Stroke :: swimming
3. Exclusively :: selective
4. Lash :: whip
5. Red carpet:: special
6. Credit card :: evil
7. Points :: card
8. Domestic :: violence
9. 21 :: youth
10. Inject :: venom

MSL Day 5: Connections

2007-11-11T10:38:00.000Z

This is my beloved Sony Vaio without which I would be lost. Its my means of connecting with the rest of the world when I am in dire need of inspiration and creativity. I spend many happy hours with it.

MSL Day 4: Saturday Night Before Bed Ritual

2007-11-10T22:09:00.000Z

A slice of Victoria Sandwich cake, a mug of warm milk, a copy of the Weekend magazine from the Guardian on Saturday and the picture of coloured hearts my daughter made for me earlier on in the day.

Friday Fill-In #45

2007-11-10T16:26:00.000Z

1. Plans and schedules work for me – my life has to have structure and order.

2. I'm happy when things work out the way they were planned.

3. The last thing I drank was a glass of orange juice with ice.

4. One of the most valuable things in my life is (apart from my kids and husband), being creative.

5. I like loads of cheese on my pizza.

6. Dear November, this month be kind to me and give me the time to be able to sew my handbags and list them on etsy.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to writing in my journal, tomorrow my plans include doing bits and bobs around the house then just chilling and Sunday, I want to go get my daughter a new pair of school shoes.

MSL Day 3: People Drawings

2007-11-06T06:54:00.000Z

At least three times a week my four and a half year old daughter presents me with her ‘people drawings’. Sometimes the drawings are meant to be her mummy or daddy or her baby sister and sometimes they are meant to be her friends at school. But one thing they never fail to do is make me smile

Loneliness

2007-11-05T21:49:00.000Z

How well I know you
We have embraced each other
Oft in the years past

Your embrace is cold
And your kiss steals joy from life
Yet I let you in

It’s been a while now
Since you’ve called to say hello
But missed you are not

My Sacred Life Day 2: Getting Away

2007-11-05T21:05:00.000Z

Every so often life overwhelms. Each day is crammed with activity, noise and chaos. Decisions to make, emails to reply, mobile phones to answer. And if you’re a mum there are the kids to take care of, meals to cook, nappies to change. Night after night you fall into bed absolutely exhausted and then you get up the next morning only to repeat the cycle.

On days like this, the last thought before I fall asleep is ‘what did I do for myself today? More often than not the answer is … nothing.

And because life can sometimes be so overwhelming I consciously have to make - and take – the time to get away. Getting away may be locking myself up in the toilet to read just one article from the latest issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. Getting away may be going out into the garden and pruning back the roses and planting fresh bulbs for the spring. Getting away may simply be taking a nap for an hour, or blogging, or having a cup of tea or just STOPPING.

But sometimes life is kind and I get to experience what I consider a real away – travelling to the country side. And that is exactly what I did this weekend. My husband and I bundled ourselves and our two kids into the car and drove up to a country farm. It was lovely. To touch the animals, breathe in the fresh air, eat a meal that had been made with produce straight off the surrounding farms, explore the quaint shops selling stuff that’s unique and not mass produced and cheap. To be able to just stand still take in the views, connect with nature and get away... that was sacred.

My Sacred Life Day One: My Journal

2007-11-02T09:26:00.000Z

Today begins the journey into My Sacred Life. For the next 30 days I shall be ‘posting pictures from my daily life capturing something that connects me to Spirit’. This unique project was created by Carla of Zena Musings. To read more about it and perhaps to start on your Sacred Life journey go here.

This is my new journal. It is an unusual journal for me because it is so simple, rustic almost. Its cover is made from recycled paper as are the sheets inside. It has a pocket on the inside of the cover for storing little clippings, a slim satin ribbon to mark my page and a plain black elastic band that wraps around the journal to hold it closed. Oh and that’s my little black cat paper clip in the corner.

I say simple because I normally tend to gravitate towards journals with beautiful covers and thick sheets of paper. But there was something about this one that called out to me when I saw it in the shop. It made me want to grab it and begin pouring my thoughts onto its pages. It’s plain, it’s simple but I love it.

This is the place I come to when I want to make sense of it all, whatever ‘it all’ is at that point in time. It is a place where I can truly be me, no holding back, no pretensions, no wondering what anyone else will think. This is the book that will hold my most precious and sacred self.

Change

2007-10-31T21:43:00.000Z

Be the change you want to see in the world – Mahatma Ghandi

How I love this word. Just letting it roll off my tongue creates a rolling excitement within me.

It’s a word that suggests adventure, discovery, the promise of something new, momentum. But in order to jump start change you have to take that first step, decision, to do something different that would bring about a - your - desired end. And it’s taking that first step that sometimes proves to be so ~~difficult~~ challenging.

I should know because I’ve been at that point so many times. I bitch and whinge and moan about how mundane and boring my life is. I cannot recall how many times I have observed out loud that I seem to walking on a spot and not going anywhere. EVERYONE ELSE seems to be living the life I want to live or doing that one thing that I would love to be doing. And yet, if I have not made that change – either in a daily habit or in my thought processes or simply by getting off my butt and just doing it – how can I expect to live the life I dream of?

A different life waits
If only I make the change
It is that simple

Wellness Wednesday: Yoga

2007-10-31T21:00:00.000Z

I signed up for Hatha Yoga 5 weeks ago. One of the best things I have ever done in terms of looking after myself both physical and spiritual.

Even on days when I am so low either from lack of sleep (thanks to my five month old baby) or from doing too much (as we all do) I always leave my Yoga practice feeling energized and ready to face the world again.

These are some of the things I love about Yoga and for anyone out there thinking about starting all I can say is PLEASE DO.

Yoga

1. Centres me
2. Strengthens me
3. Relaxes me
4. Gives me incredible focus
5. Calms me
6. Puts me in tune with my body
7. Gives me an understanding of the workings of my body
8. Brings me joy
9. Teaches me to breathe properly (it’s amazing how just changing the way you breathe affects your whole being)
10. Gives me such peace

Closeness

2007-10-27T11:41:00.000+01:00

During a recent and rare heart to heart, my husband and I both admitted that we did not feel as close to each other as we once did. It was sad to hear for both parties. ‘What happened?’ we questioned.

Life happened that’s what.

Caught up in the busyness of life – him with his work and me with the kids and the home – we gradually lost the closeness between us. But the good news is we want it back and realising how important it is for us, our relationship and our marriage brings us one step closer.

Lovers yet strangers
Tentatively we reach out
Searching for closeness

Space, Mooching and a Review

2007-10-26T15:11:00.000+01:00

Its been a busy past five months with lots of changes going on.

My baby is now five months old and absolutely gorgeous – I am totally in love with her and handling motherhood this time around much better.

My four and a half year old started at ‘big school’ ( as she likes to call it) in September and it brought tears to my eyes seeing her in her little uniform going off to school. Makes me realise just how fast the time flies by and so I must cherish every moment I have to spend with her. Makes me realise that I am getting older too. Her starting school also means that each day we have to sit down together to do her school work so by the time I have done that, looked after baby, taken care of things on the home front plus a million other bits and bobs there is no time left over for me to blog. But this is about to change.

The need for space is vital for me. Space means having time for myself to think about me, my needs, my wants, my aspirations, the things I need to do and discover to make me a better person. Space means being able to blog, to write, to listen to music, to read a trashy magazine when I want to, to curl up with a good book, to watch a favourite programme uninterrupted on TV. Space means being able to meditate, to pray, to centre myself. Space means being able to think in the middle of the din. Space means going off on my own, to explore who I am, what am about. Space means being able to breathe.

So returning to my blog is a re-discovery of sorts for me and it feels strange having not done it in a while – blog that is.

I have also had a pleasant mooch around cyberspace today and in the process stumbled across several gems.

New challenges at my sacred life, small is beautiful and wellness Wednesday

Loving this so I am making one of my own.

I am in the process of reviewing my 101 list – which I have neglected for so long. So much has changed with me since I made that list so much so that I smile at some of the silly things I listed as wanting to do. For instance, why would I want to learn how to build a website?? I have no idea why I put it down on my list but it was obviously something that was important to me at the time. Anyway, the list is being given a make over to suit my present needs.

Ah, it feels good to be back.

Time

2007-07-10T12:08:00.001+01:00

Goodness, I underestimated just how challenging it would be finding the time to sit down each day and write one hundred words. Themes and thoughts of what I want to write about swirl around my head but capturing them on paper – or in this case on PC – is proving to be more difficult than I thought. I seem to have a million things to do during the day – not least of all caring for a six week old baby. But stress myself I shan’t. I’ll write whenever I can and be grateful to have found the time to do so.

(100 Words)

Feathered Friends

2007-07-09T22:09:00.001+01:00

The Peacock

He struts full of pride
His glory fanned out behind him
The envy of all

Good Morning

I startle awake
As the rooster lets it rip
Natures alarm clock

Beware the poop!

I looked up to see
The pretty bird up the tree
And got an eyeful

Routine

2007-07-09T16:51:00.001+01:00

I am a person of routine. I always have been. I love the feeling I get of knowing that I have my day all mapped out from the moment I wake up in the morning. I take strange comfort in knowing what I expect to be doing at any given time during the day. Some may say living this way is boring – too ‘within the box’ – I say with two children under five it’s the perfect way to live. While others about me crumble due to their lack of routine, I rise above the chaos thanks to my unfailing routine.

(100 Words)

Slippery

2007-07-08T18:21:00.000+01:00

He looks like a slippery character I thought as I watched him saunter up to my front door and ring the bell. He had sales person written all over him.

I was right.

Yes? I barked as I stuck my head out of the window in response to his ring. I gave him the once over as I waited for him to begin his spiel taking in his dark suit, his too dazzling smile, his slight swagger

I see your guttering is looking like it needs to be replaced, he began, is it something you would want doing? We will be in the area next week and we could do yours while we are here. Your name and telephone number? All this was said in one breath while he whipped out a notepad from the top pocket of his coat.

Cheeky blighter, I fumed inwardly, did he really think I was going to fall for that line?

Not interested, I said sharply and drew my head in shutting the window firmly.

Unfortunately my neighbour fell for it and had his guttering changed the following week – for a £800 fee of course. Two days later, the guttering was leaking (he complained to my husband) as the two work men who had been sent out to do the job had botched it. Our neighbour had been unable to reach the slippery salesperson despite his numerous attempts to do so, surprise surprise. Plus he couldn’t claim on his insurance because the company that the salesperson represented was not registered!!

So the poor man had to call in another company to fix it. They had to rip it all off and replace it with their own guttering – for an eye watering £1,800!! So in all, our neighbour was out of pocket by £2,600 all because of a slippery salesperson.

Unapproachable

2007-07-01T12:36:00.000+01:00

Yesterday my husband told me that a 60ish year old woman had chatted him up. I was thoroughly amused. Then I commented that no one ever chats me up – at least not in seven years. ‘That’s because you’re not approachable’ was the reply. Although I am a little peeved at being told this, I have to concede that he’s probably right. I don’t set out to be unapproachable but I come across that way. People only stop me in the street to ask for directions but never to offer a flirtatious invitation to have a coffee in the next Starbucks.

(100 Words)

100 Words - revisited

2007-06-29T16:21:00.000+01:00

My daughter is exactly five weeks old today and I am desperate to start writing again. So to help me get started I am going to revisit an old but trusty theme of writing one hundred words a day on any random topic that catches my interest/ attention. I have always enjoyed doing this in the past as, in addition to never knowing what I may be writing about, I find it very challenging to be able to capture my thoughts and observations in just 100 words - It’s a strangely therapeutic exercise. I am looking forward to it already.

In Celebration of Two Birthdays

2007-06-12T12:45:00.000+01:00

On the 25th of May, 2007 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Gabriella. Although she was born three weeks early she was in perfect health. The labour and birth were absolutely amazing – it took all of two hours!! She popped out at 6:18am and by 7:00 pm I was back at home. Please celebrate this Birth Day with me!!

Brand New

Brand new with tags on
Your newness leaves me breathless
My beautiful one

And happy 1st birthday to One Deep Breath. Thank you for drawing out a hidden talent I never knew I possessed – the ability to Haiku! Up until ODB I never even knew what a Haiku was, so thank you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Nurture {a story of breasts}

2007-05-15T22:55:00.000+01:00

Over the last 36 weeks, I have watched as my body has gone through its amazing journey of transformation. I have watched in awe as my belly has swollen to accommodate the growing child within it, watched as the vertical line which divides my belly into two equal halves has grown darker and darker, watched as the skin on my neck has developed tiny skin tags and finally, watched as my once non-existent breasts have grown into two mounds of impressive proportions.

However, once I got over the initial excitement of being able to sport a killer cleavage for the second time ever in my life (the first time being when I was pregnant with my daughter over four years ago) I began to view my breasts in quite a different light, a light tinged with a kind of quiet respect.

Here was a part of my body created not to attract nor to serve as mere pleasure domes to the opposite sex ( as the media oftentimes tends to portray them) rather this was a part of my body whose purpose was now, 30+ years on, being revealed.

I have watched you grow
With the coming of my child
Your purpose revealed

The true purpose of my breasts is housed within them – they are the vessels through which I will nurture my new baby, giving him or her rich, nutrient filled, truly organic milk which will be baby’s nourishment for the first six months of its life.

A suckling baby
Nurtured by its mothers breasts
Rests contentedly

Isn’t that just such an amazing thought?

It is to me.

Sleep

2007-05-08T11:28:00.000+01:00

I smiled wearily when I read this week’s prompt for One Deep Breath. That’s because with five weeks left to go before I give birth ALL I want to do at the moment is just sleep! The nights are not the greatest because finding a comfortable horizontal position is near impossible. And on the occasions I do manage to settle down to a semi-good nights’ sleep, baby decides it’s time to ‘wake up’ and start doing the conga on the inside of its mama’s belly. But I grit my teeth and chomp down on my lip and try not to complain about it too much because soon it will be over. But, ah yes, BUT when this stage is over I will look back on it ruefully because at least now, I do squeeze in a few hours sleep at night but when baby arrives I probably won’t be squeezing in any at all!!!

Tossing and turning
Trying in vain to find you
You prove elusive

Blurry eyed I wake
Did I sleep at all I ask
Doesn’t feel like it

Good night! ZZzzzzzzz

Poetry of the Sea

2007-05-02T12:20:00.000+01:00

There was noting we – my then boyfriend (now husband) and I – loved more than to get home from work on a Friday evening, pack our beach bags and head off to the jetty where we boarded a speed boat which took us across the sea to the small island of Tarkwa Bay where we would spend a wonderful and relaxing weekend at a friends beach house which had been kindly lent to us.

We’d be laden down with cooler bags full of fresh vegetables, French baguettes, limes, drinks and all sorts of yummy edibles. On arrival, about an hour later, we’d arrange with the island locals to bring us their catch of the day from which we had a choice of fish from snappers to red mullet to – my favourite – fresh prawns straight out of sea with their gills still puffing up as they drew their last breaths.

These would be salted and spiced up and thrown onto the BBQ for a simple meal of fish, bread, wine and fresh vegetables with just a squeeze of lime to finish it all off. It was a meal which left us well sated and pleasantly dozy.

We’d sit for hours on the veranda chatting and gazing out at the sea watching the waves with their florescent caps of foam crashing gently onto shore.

I close my eyes and
Listen to the lapping waves
Tell me their secrets

Sometimes we would walk down to the beach, often at midnight, just to hold hands and walk along the shore letting the warm sea water bathe our feet and squishing the warm white sand between our toes. Sometimes our feet would be bitten by the hundreds of tiny crabs which hid underneath the sand and we’d beat a hast retreat back up to the house.

Pure Heaven.

Earth Day

2007-04-24T08:41:00.000+01:00

We tread each day on

an abundance of riches

we don't acknowledge

You give and we take

we don't replace but take more

ignoring your groans

I celebrate you

gentle sustainer of life

I celebrate you

Bridges

2007-04-10T07:15:00.000+01:00

Before this weeks prompt, I had always thought of bridges in very physical terms i.e a structure that is built to ferry us across a little stream, valley or a body of fast flowing water. But on reflection bridges are much more than that – much more than physical structures. Bridges can also be emotional or spiritual ‘structures’.

Over the years, I have mended bridges of friendship, built bridges of reconciliation, burnt (emotional) bridges and destroyed bridges of past baggage. I have crossed bridges to the unknown, sat on bridges of self doubt and been a bridge myself of trust, communication and commitment.

Indeed, the humble bridge is so much more than what it appears.

The Future I

My future beckons
From across a shaky bridge
I tread cautiously

The Future II

Your journey begins
Across it’s firm wooden planks
Walk with confidence

In the News

2007-04-07T09:43:00.000+01:00

It must have struck you how there is hardly ever any good news in the news. It’s been like that for years I suspect but in the last 15 years even more so. Death, destruction and mayhem rule the day. Sensational headlines are what sells but what angers me the most though is watching z-list ‘celebrities’ being paraded across our screens and newspapers touting their own brand of so called success or partaking of yet another trashy reality TV show – and this from people I struggle to understand what exactly they are famous for!

Won’t it be nice to have a newspaper or just one, ONE is all I ask, TV channel dedicated to good news only? But that’s hardly going to happen, is it? Won’t appeal to the advertisers or the vast majority of the public who rely on a daily dose of bad news to keep them going.

So if what’s in the news gets you down, do like I do and switch that TV off.

In the Kitchen

2007-03-24T23:00:00.000Z

The majority of my time is spent in the kitchen. (Funny how this seems to be the lot of many women).

The time is mostly spent doing the mediocre chores: loading and unloading the dishwasher and/or washing machine, cleaning out the fridge, clearing out the cupboards, picking up my daughters magnetic alphabets off the floor for the umpteenth time, putting away groceries and of course cooking – an activity I spend the bulk of my time on (too much time if you ask me). As I don’t ever buy ready made microwaveable meals (I like to know what goes into my food) I tend to cook everything from scratch, and I mean everything and believe me, this takes a lot of time. But I get the satisfaction of knowing that my family gets a wholesome, healthy meal with no additives.

Then there are the times when the kitchen stops being the place where I perform mediocre tasks and becomes a place that offers quite a different attraction for me. It becomes a room I can unwind in – a sanctuary of sorts. This is where I sit and read the Sunday paper over a steaming mug of tea, or scribble in my journal, or sneak into to have a quiet phone call with a good friend. It’s the place where, during the summer, I sit on the back step leading into the garden and soak up the sun and watch my flowers grow. Above all, it is the one place where I am allowed to indulge in one of my favourite pastimes – listening to the radio.

In a corner of the kitchen counter on a pile of cook books sits my cute little pale pink DAB satellite radio which was a Christmas present from my husband and the first thing I do when I walk into the kitchen is turn it on. And although I don’t always pay attention to the programme that’s on, the low background murmur of the moderators’ voice has a very comforting and soothing effect on me. Strange but true.

And that’s how I spend my time in the kitchen.

Breath/Breathing

2007-03-20T08:08:00.000Z

A story of my breath

Some things leave me breathless

Walking up a flight of steps at 28 weeks pregnant
Making love with my husband
Anticipation

Some things take my breath away

A stunning view
A pair of to-die-for shoes
The love for my daughter

Some things make me catch my breath

A piece of good news
Cold water on my skin
Surprises

Some things make my breath stop

Seeing pain and suffering
Unbearable disappointment
The loss of a friend or loved one

I use my breath in many different ways and for many different things

To –

Centre myself
Keep stress at bay
Release tension
Tease
Get that stubborn smudge off a mirror
Stream up a window to write ‘I love you’

And now the Haikus...

The Kiss

As heads draw closer
Their breaths becoming as one
They await the kiss

Goodbye

I watch as you leave
My breath catches in my throat
I refuse to cry

Breath, great healer

Mummy it’s hurting
I hold your finger and blow
The pain goes away

And finally, from an unknown writer...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Stillness/Calm

2007-03-13T07:45:00.000Z

The last few days have been unsettled ones for me. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride of highs and lows – getting stuck mostly on the lows. Unable to pinpoint the exact cause of my see-sawing emotions, I am taking the obvious route and putting it down to pregnancy hormones. I am not blooming {gracefully} as the books suggest I should be. On the contrary, I am quite grumpy, irritable and impatient at the moment.

But what I feel I am the most is, off center. Like a train not running on the right tracks.

I wander around
Blindly in the dark searching
For something unknown

However, when I saw the prompt for this weeks’ One Deep Breath, I suddenly realised what was missing - making me feel so off center: The lack of stillness and calm in my life.

Forever running
‘Slow down’ a still voice whispers
I don’t stop to hear

When I was pregnant with my first child, I spent a lot of time being still. I spent a lot of time in pray and quiet meditation. Each day I prayed for my unborn daughter. I talked to the swell of my belly, listened to classical music, kept a pregnancy diary and read every book under the sun about the amazing changes my body was going through. I was the pregnancy and the pregnancy was me.

Through prayer I got
The desires of my heart
She is living proof

But this time around it’s been very different. I have done none of the above mentioned things. I feel removed – disconnected even – from this pregnancy. And this is eating me up with guilt. Every minute I’m awake is consumed with my being a mother to my daughter, a wife to my husband and an employee to my firm. I long to be still but seem unable to attain it. I constantly plague myself with questions: do I have enough love in me for a second child? Am I afraid to be still? Am I a good mother? Why is it so different this time around?

I want to love you
Every minute I am awake
But can’t find the time

I tried to do some baby shopping on Friday but as I stood in the shop surrounded by all this baby stuff it hit me that I didn’t have the faintest clue what to buy.

So today I visited the nursery of our local DIY store to buy some spring plants for my garden. I got home, put on a DVD for my daughter and spent the next hour and a half digging up beds and potting flowers. And although I was busy, strangely it was the closed I had come to being still in the last six months. Perhaps it was the cool crisp breeze on my skin, or the colours of the flowers, or the act of creating a hanging basket or of transforming a plain old terra cotta pot into a vessel carrying the beginnings of a display which will in a few months time delight the eyes and give pleasure, that caused a calmness – a stillness – in me. Feeling the stillness of God through nature? Maybe.

I search for stillness
Above the din that is life
I find it slowly

So forgive me for rambling on but these words have been therapeutic. And I hope, a week from today, things will look a whole lot brighter.

Calm I will remain
Comforted by the knowledge
That this too shall pass

Dream Journey

2007-03-11T10:08:00.000Z

My dream journey is quite simple and it's ...

To go away somewhere
On my own
No husband
No child
Nobody
Just me
Alone

Earth/Mud/Dirt

2007-03-07T11:20:00.000Z

Haute Cuisine

I wouldn’t eat it
But my plants think it’s yummy
Tasty brown earth

My daughter has been out in the garden again

Wellies caked with mud
Leave tiny dirty foot prints
Over my cream carpet

Superstition

2007-03-03T11:44:00.000Z

Me?
Superstitious?
Nah!
I only walked around that ladder because there was a puddle of water right underneath it.

Me?
Superstitious?
Of course not!
I got some salt on my fingers when the salt cellar spilt and that’s what you saw me dusting off over my left shoulder.

Me?
Superstitious?
Don’t be silly!
I didn’t have much to do on Friday the 13th that’s why I stayed at home all day.

Me?
Superstitious?
How absurd!
I only crossed the road to get to the ATM not because I saw a black cat coming my way.

Me?
Superstitious?
Whatever gave you that idea?

Colour(ful)

2007-02-27T20:59:00.000Z

The Rose Bush

They shut their buds tight
Colours yet to be revealed
Secrets hid within

Young Love

She spots him staring
From across the room, she smiles
Red heat stains her cheeks

My Garden (a fib)*

Red
Green
Yellow
My garden
A mass of colour
Sitting happily side by side

*Naturally my garden doesn’t look like this at the moment, but it does in the summer. :)

Puzzled

2007-02-24T17:13:00.000Z

How can he say

That he loves her

Always has

Always will do

But still leave her

For another woman

I don't understand

I'm puzzled

So is she

Just Adorable

2007-02-23T20:44:00.000Z

Aren't these just the most adorable things you have ever seen?

I have already spent a small fortune!

Spicy Fibs

2007-02-19T19:24:00.000Z

Before today, I had never heard of a Fibonacci Sequence so these are truly first attempts – so excuse the poor quality of the poems. I shall be trying my hand at writing some more poems using this sequence. Writing these left me feeling pretty hungry though!

Scotch Bonnet

Red
Scotch
Bonnet
Fiery
Burning, peppery heat
Small fruit that packs a punch

By the Beach

White
Sand
Burning
Hot sun
Tucking into
Exquisitely made peppered shrimp

Shelter

2007-02-12T10:46:00.000Z

I dash for cover
Underneath the broad green leaves
Rain drops kept at bay

The dirt gives gently
As the earthworm burrows down
Seeking safe shelter

Yummy

2007-02-10T13:14:00.000Z

20 Things I find really yummy

Spooning with my hubby The sound of my daughter’s laughter My Ralph Lauren driving shoes Jeans that actually fit Strolling in Paris SNOW Strawberries and cream Curling up with a good book A hot shower on a cold evening Journals Pretty coloured paper Bookshops Feeling baby KICK inside me My PDA Seeing my spring bulbs sprout Summer time Hot chocolate Me Time The smell of coffee Finding an unbelievable bargain

Worrier

2007-02-07T12:33:00.000Z

I’ve got a friend who constantly worries. I mean she worries about EVERYTHING. She worries about events that haven’t even taken place (e.g. her child will be bullied when he starts school – and he’s only two!!). I try to be supportive but her negative vibe is becoming incredibly draining and I hold my breath each time we meet. I am generally not a worrier so I find it hard to cope with someone who forever dwells on the negatives of life. I feel terrible but I just want to shake her and yell QUIT WORRYING SO DAMN MUCH. Should I?

(100 Words)

Dusk/Twilight

2007-02-06T15:45:00.000Z

I really enjoyed this prompt.

An owl hoots its tune
The clouds huddle together
The sun winks goodnight

As the sky displays
Its kaleidoscope of hues
The moon dances in

As the day closes
I shut its doors knowing that
Tomorrow awaits

Sleep steals in quietly
The thief feels familiar
I allow him in

Valuable Lesson

2007-02-05T16:37:00.000Z

Approaching the restaurant of the supermarket, we noticed the elderly gentleman waiting to be served and fell in line behind him. He was soon served and went to pay. Suddenly my daughter dashed away and we made to stop her. What we hadn’t noticed but she had, was that the gentleman had dropped a handful of coins which she was on her hands and knees retrieving. For her efforts she was rewarded with a £1 coin. Acts of kindness are always rewarded. May not always be monetary but a grateful look or heartfelt thanks are just as much a reward.

(100 Words)

Peaceful Sunday

2007-02-04T10:59:00.000Z

I am sitting typing this and looking through the large window which dominates one wall of our living room. Golden warm sunshine streams through. There is absolute silence throughout the house. Hubby and daughter have gone off to church – I opted out – so for at least two hours I will be left to my own devices. I shall finish typing this, walk up the road to donate some old clothes and shoes to the huge green charity container and then feed the old red post box with a letter which I ought to have posted off on Friday. Peaceful Sunday.

(100 Words)

Goodbye

2007-02-02T10:43:00.000Z

I have said many goodbyes in my time.

I have had happy goodbyes and sad goodbyes.
I have had goodbyes where I just wanted to break out in a little jig at the freedom this particular parting would bring and I have goodbyes that have broken my heart.

I have said goodbye to friends, foes, family and lovers.
I have said goodbye to homes, cities, jobs, countries and possessions.
I have said goodbye to dreams, hopes, plans, the person I used to be.
Yes, I have said good bye to many things.

There have also been the silent goodbyes where the word was never really spoken but we knew deep inside that we will never see that person again. Like a lover moving thousands of miles away. The phone calls eventually stop being made and the letters dry up. Goodbye.

I don’t like goodbyes, never have. They always leave me in tears- either of joy or sadness. There is a finality about the word that drains me emotionally so I’d rather say ‘See You Soon’ that way, there is the possibility that we might meet again someday. And that possibility is so much nicer.

Good bye: A Haiku

I force a bright smile
And hug you tightly to me
My heart breaks inside

One last kiss goodbye
Then we turn to hide our pain
A chapter closes

Breathtaking Beauty

2007-02-01T22:09:00.000Z

Standing at the checkout counter in Tesco today, my breath was literally taken away by the exquisite beauty of the young girl who stood behind me on the line. I had to make a conscious effort not to stare. So stunning was she. She was completely devoid of make up which is a rare sight these days. What struck me the most though was that she seemed completely unaware of her beauty. As I walked away I was left wondering this: If she could have such an effect on me, a woman, I wonder what effect she has on men.

(100 Words)

100 Words Revisited

2007-02-01T22:08:00.000Z

Last year, I set myself the challenge of blogging just 100 words every day for a month. I enjoyed the challenge so much that I have decided to do it all over again. So for the next 28 days I shall be blogging a 100 words each day. Join me.

Roots/Connection

2007-01-29T20:21:00.000Z

This week at One Deep Breath, we are asked to take a closer, more contemplative look at our connection with nature. Here are my connections...

1.

Mother Earth

We take, plunder, grab

Feeding off you hungrily

Till it all runs out

A field of flowers

Small, bright, delicate

Your colours give me pleasure

Soft scents on the breeze

Chronicle {of my first labour}

2007-01-27T20:46:00.000Z

Warning! This is a long read.

February 16, 2003 – 11ish O’clock at night

I am lying in bed when I hear this audible ‘pop’ and a sharp pain in the lower region of my belly. Thinking it is a bad case of gas, I lie and wait for the ‘emission’. After 2 minutes nothing has happened so I turn to settle into a more comfortable position when – wait, what’s that wet trickling between my legs? I reach down and feel gingerly – yes! It’s definitely wet, getting wetter by the second and showing no signs of slowing down either. I switch the lights on pronto and shake hubby awake saying at the same time ‘my waters have broken; I think my waters have broken’.
‘What waters?’ is the sleepy response.

The light finally dawns and he leaps out of bed – fairly calm- grabs his mobile phone and calls, after a bit of fumbling about with the numbers, our friend Boo and my Midwife. She asks if I am in any pain (yes), what time the waters broke (about 10 minutes ago), was I bleeding (yes, a little), how is the flow (heavy, I am lying in bed with a towel between my legs!). Fine sounds good she says (could have fooled me!!).

She tells hubby to tell me to go and have a shower and clean up, get ready and then go straight to the hospital. I do all this and shortly after Boo arrives and off we go.

Feburary 17, 2003 Midnight-ish – 3am

Arrive at the Hospital a little after midnight. I am put in one of the labour rooms and asked to change (would you like the hospital gown or did you bring something along?) into something ‘more comfortable’. So I change into my La Senza night shirt and a pair of warm socks and climb onto the bed where I am put in a ½ lying ½ sitting position, and hooked up to a machine which monitors my baby’s heart beat, my heartbeat and pulse rate, via two straps which are put around my belly and a finger clamp on my index finger. My blood pressure is also checked. The midwife palpates my belly (quite roughly) and examines me internally (even more roughly!!) and tells us that I am 3cm dilated. She would leave me on the monitor and come back and check on me in 30 minutes. She drapes me with a hospital blanket and leaves. I am still cold in spite of the blanket.

By this time the contractions are coming hard and I am in pain and hanging onto hubby’s hand for dear life and muttering ‘mummy, mummy’ (huh????). I keep telling him how much it hurts and he keeps stroking my head and saying ‘I know, I know sweetie’.

The midwife returns 30 minutes later, takes the straps off and inquires after the sort of pain relief I would like. Hubby and I look at each other for a second and opt for Gas and Air - with an epidural as a last resort.

She hooks up the Gas and Air machine and shows me how to use the inhaler bit and then hands it to me. I put it into my mouth and breathe deeply… nothing and then it hits. All I can say is this must be how drug addicts feel when they take their first hit. It is a very strange feeling. It doesn’t take the pain away but boy, does it make you feel high. I felt like I was floating and the pain was sort of in the background – like it was happening to someone else, not me. You hallucinate and just zonk out basically. The effect doesn’t last long though and wears off a few minutes after you stop inhaling. However, we become inseparable friends that inhaler and I.

About an hour (or more) later the midwife suggests that maybe I would like a warm bath as this would help relax me and ease the pain a bit. I gladly agree (anything to ease the pain) and off we go to the bathroom with hubby supporting me. The water is lovely and warm and does help the pain a little but not much. In between the breaks of pain, I chat with hubby but when the pain hits it is numbing and all I can do is moan.

It is at this point that my main midwife, D, arrives. She asks after my contractions, the pain and some other stuff which I cannot now remember. She also goes off to get my Gas and Air and soon I am high again. After about 30 minutes in the bath, I decide I have had enough and I am helped out, dried and dressed up again. I also decide that I need to wee – an attempt which takes absolutely ages. D leaves the tap running to help me along. Finally I do and we set off to the labour room, which D had swapped in the meantime for a smaller and much warmer one. She asks if I would prefer to lie on the bed or use ‘the chair’. Now, this chair is no ordinary chair. I will call it a birthing chair. It reclines and is soft and comfortable and just heaven. I settle in, clutching my inhaler for dear life and wait for the rest of the drama to unfold. I am so totally spaced out.

7:00am – 12:48pm

At 7:52 am, D examines me again. I am 7cm dilated. From experience, she explains, a woman dilates at the rate of approximately 1.5cm every hour and thinks that by 10:00am I should be having my baby. She then orders hubby off to go and have some breakfast in the hospital canteen.

At 10:00am D checks me again and this time I am fully dilated (10cm) and from this point forward it is action stations. Every contraction now is important and I am required to push with each one. I push and I push and I push …. By 12 noon still no baby. My contractions were are now happening further and further apart and I am getting higher and higher on my G & A and in la-la land.

By this time, the Consultant arrives and gives D a deadline of 1 hour to deliver me if not , she (the consultant) will give me a forceps delivery which D assured me in no uncertain terms, was a road I wouldn’t want to go down. So adamant was she that I wasn’t going to have a forceps delivery that she wouldn’t allow the consultant examine me and practically kicked her out of the delivery room.

By this time D had reached her limit with me. She put a catheter into my bladder to drain it ( in case this was one of the contributory factors for the baby not coming), turned me onto my side to encourage the contractions and see if I would be more willing to push – I wasn’t as the pain in this position was just unbelievable. Finally, with hubbys help, they both hurled me out of my comfortable chair because D said I had become too comfortable and lazy in that position and took away my G & A – this was the killer for me. I was put onto the bed with my legs in stirrups and given an ultimatum (in fact several)

1. If you don’t push with each contraction, you will be put on a drip which induces them; however, they will become 10 times more painful.
2. You can have your G & A back BUT you will have to lie on your side.
3. You cannot avoid the pain, so you can push hard now and deliver your baby. I believe you can do it.

I opt for number three.

The pain was horrendous!!! I pushed like I had never pushed before and suddenly I could hear hubby say ‘I can see the head. It has crowned’.

By now both D and hubby were yelling at me to PUUUUSSSSHHHHHHH PUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH YOU ARE ALMOST THERE – which I did and then D tells me to stop and just pant (the head was half way out by now) and then the head was out at 12:46pm. I was told not to push. A couple more pushes later and our darling daughter was born at 12:48pm. Hubby did the honours of cutting the umbilical cord. She was put on my chest straight away – gook and all – before being taken away to be cleaned.

About ½ hr later, I had a warm bath and was wheeled away to my recovery room.

****************************************************************************

And to think I will be doing this all over again come June!!

Process/Craft

2007-01-23T09:26:00.000Z

(My writing process)

Pen between my teeth

Paper staring back blankly

Idea, where art thou?

(My sewing/craft process)

Silks, cotton, velvets

I cut the cloth within which

A pretty dress hides

(My unwinding process)

Mug of tea in hand

Warm blanket wrapped around me

My time to relax

Time Capsule Baby Box

2007-01-19T11:44:00.000Z

I am excited by a new idea which is to create a Time Capsule Memory Box for my forthcoming baby. Basically it is a box which will contain items from the day and the year s/he was born. Things I am thinking of including in it are

A newspaper dated the day s/he was born
A favourite magazine of mine from the month of their birth
A CD compilation of number one hits from the year
Their hospital tag
Their first photo or set of photos of their first 365 days
A journal I would have kept throughout their first year (and beyond)
A favourite poem or piece of writing
A novel printed in the year of their birth
Perhaps a small piece of technology from the year 2007
Their favourite toy

and so on and so forth.

I think it would make a great gift for when my child grows up. I wish I had thought of this when my daughter was born.

Have any of you done something similar? What did you put inside your Time Capsule box?

Fantasy

2007-01-19T10:26:00.000Z

I have to confess straight away that I am not a big fan of fantasy – never have been. I have not watched nor read Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter or been captivated by science fiction. There is no real explanation for my total lack of interest in these particular genres of writing or film except to say that perhaps I am a little bit too realistic when it comes to (my) life in general and so tend to prefer to live in the now of things.

Having said that I will admit that I do fantasize about changing my life sometimes. Doing something different, living someplace else – I especially fantasize about moving out of the city and living in the country or somewhere quiet by the beach where I will grow my own vegetables, raise my own fowl, not worry about finances, live in a world without TV, iPods and the internet (perhaps living without the internet is stretching it a bit, but it can be done) and have my children grow up in the great outdoors. And the main reason I like this particular fantasy of mine is because it can easily (well almost) become reality.

Friday Felicitations {2}

2007-01-19T09:28:00.000Z

Finding my ring again after it went missing for ten days. What hurt the most was that it was a wedding anniversary gift from hubby. You can imagine my joy when I found it glinting up at me from the floor of our coat cupboard.

Celebrating the birth of babies to two of my close friends in one week.

Rediscovering the power of the Word via this wonderful gift from hubby.

Having to attend a training course for work on my day of and ending up actually enjoying it. A nice lunch was served as well!

Re-reading an old Agatha Christie mystery which I found in the local library sale for 50p!

What are your Friday Felicitations?

Getting Organised To Do Lists

2007-01-18T14:08:00.000Z

My ‘Baby' List (it’s never too early)

1. Reusable nappies
2. Muslin cloths
3. Suducreme
4. Disposable nappies
5. Nappy sacks
6. Baby blanket
7. Baby grows
8. Baby wipes
9. Olive oil
10. Pre-measured pots for baby formula (after breast feeding)
11. Snuffle babes
12. Baby towel
13. Bibs
14. Toiletries
15. Moses basket (borrowing this from friend)

My ‘After birth’ list

1. Nipple shields (for breast feeding)
2. Disposable knickers
3. Maternity pads
4. Nursing bras
5. Nipple cream
6. Ear plugs (just kidding!)

My 'don't be without in hospital' List

1. Journal
2. iPod
3. Comfy nightie
4. Some munchies
5. Mobile phone – to spread the good news!

My ‘To do for Work’ List

1. Write official letter informing manager of my pregnancy and maternity leave plans.
2. Start work on hand over note

My ‘Just before I start maternity leave’ List

1. Place orders for stationary
2. Clear out my work folder
3. Set ‘out of office’ auto reply on email
4. Clear out filing folder

I am sure more things will be added to these lists as they pop up. In the meantime I am absolutely loving the baby journal I ordered, The First 1000 Days. I can't wait to start using it.

Reflections {of my faith}

2007-01-17T12:11:00.000Z

You died to give life
I struggle to understand
And yet I believe

Unconscious Mutterings : Week 206

2007-01-14T09:57:00.000Z

1. Episode :: desperate housewives
2. Source :: light
3. Jerk :: chicken
4. Introduce :: yourself
5. Ralph :: Lauren
6. Stare :: penetrating
7. Cast :: away
8. Scenario :: setting
9. Flu :: like
10. Mad :: hatter

Idea

2007-01-13T22:16:00.000Z

I used to have a pretty good idea of how I wanted my life to turn out.

I wanted to be married by the age of 21, a millionaire, naturally, at the age of 25, have the most perfect kids on the planet, live by the beach somewhere in a house with hard wood floors.

I was 16 at the time and did I happen to mention a realistic sixteen year old at that?

Anyway, let’s just say, erm, life didn’t quite pan out according to ~~plan~~ idea.

I did get married albeit nine years later than I had anticipated. I am still waiting for the millions and the house by the beach. Still, one out of three ain’t bad… is it?

Now at almost 37, my concept of a good idea is simply being content to see the sun rise every morning.

Friday Felicitations {1}

2007-01-12T11:03:00.000Z

This is my first post for Friday Felicitations and it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. Friday Felicitations urges us to

‘… to help each other throw out all that negative thinking and acknowledge those
things we have to celebrate. Friday is now the day to blog your
compliments, your accomplishments, something nice someone said to you, or maybe
even something you are striving to make better. Go ahead, announce
yourself to be happy and fortunate.’

This kind of goes against all I and many of you were taught as children. I am sure we have some memory of being admonished for boasting because praise of one’s self was given that label and we were strenuously told to desist from such behaviour. Living in England doesn’t help much either as being modest and understated seems to be the watch word. So for me this project poses a bit of a challenge albeit a liberating one. So here goes:

Feeling blessed to be alive to see yet another year. So many with whom I started 2006 out with never saw it to the end. I am indeed honoured.

Finally finding my voice through my blog and summoning up the courage to put my writing out there, however clumsy. It's been a real journey of discovery for me.

Conceiving after two long years of trying. Baby has started to move around as well which just fills me with awe and wonder every time.

My husband telling me, out of the blue, that I look sexy. I cherish that as I don’t hear it very often!!

Not a great first attempt but it'll get better.

New Blog Project

2007-01-11T10:56:00.000Z

Just stumbled upon the most delightful, not to mention inspiring, weekly blog project. I was so excited to discover it that I signed up straight away. Perhaps you might want to as well.

I squeeze a little tighter

2007-01-11T10:15:00.000Z

On the 1st of January a friend of many years died suddenly. This poem has been inspired by her death.

I Squeeze a Little Tighter

When I hug I squeeze a little tighter
When I kiss I kiss a little longer
When I speak I speak a little softer
When I smile I smile a little warmer
When I touch I touch a little firmer

When I listen I listen with a little more interest
When I search I search for a little more understanding
When I question I question with a purpose
When I see I see with a little more clarity

When I am tempted to complain
I stop
Think of you
And I squeeze a little tighter

Subtle Change

2007-01-08T22:06:00.000Z

Skin stretched taut
Harboring the life beneath
Each day subtle change

2.

The room stands empty
Colour peels off aging walls
My paintbrush beckons

Kissing

2007-01-05T10:11:00.000Z

My first kiss ever was an absolute disaster. It was wet, it was sloppy it was … just horrible. Could it perhaps have been down to the fact that we were both barely fourteen years old and didn’t know what the heck we were doing?

Many moons and kisses on, I have overcome the trauma of that first kiss and now kissing has become quite a pleasurable pastime. I have even heard it said that kissing is sometimes more intimate than sex and I have to say that a very big part of me agrees with this.

In the early days, my husband and I were ardent kissers. It was something we could just sit (or lie) and do for ages and we both enjoyed it immensely. My favourite sorts of kisses were the quick stolen ones just before a parent walked into the room or in the kitchen while friends who were over for dinner waited at the dinning table for their food to be served. They always reduced me to a red faced, flustered and breathless wench. These were hot passionate kisses laden with promises of other things to come.

Sadly our kisses have changed now. Marriage and Parenthood has taken its toll on the passion and our kisses are mostly mechanical, now reduced to a Goodbye Peck when we go to work and Hello Peck when we return. What used to be a passion rousing activity has now become a brief pressing together of pursed lips for a nanosecond and then it’s all over.

There are times though when a glimmer of the hot kiss reappears and it always takes me pleasantly by surprise. Hmm I think, we haven’t quite lost it yet and lose myself in the moment.

Journaling for my Children

2007-01-03T14:43:00.000Z

From this year I am going to keep a journal for my children (my unborn child included here) or rather, I am going to keep a journal that my children can read in the future. I am hoping that this will provide them with a deeper understanding of the many facets of my life that make up who I am.

You see, when I look back at my own relationship with my mum, I realise that up until a couple of years ago I really didn’t know much about her – and there is still a lot I still don’t know to be honest. To me she has always plain old Mummy. That’s it. I never saw her as someone who may have nursed dreams, or suffered heartache or fears or who perhaps may actually have loathed her life and longed for freedom at some point or the other. Instead, she was always Mummy. Put on this planet for me – to comfort, chide, nourish and give, give, give. I believe I am like most other children who as far as they are concerned Mummy doesn’t have a life of her own rather, Mummy’s whole world revolves around me and I sit right at the centre of it. It wasn’t until I became an adult that my mum began to open up a bit to me but even so, I can tell she is not comfortable with it. Perhaps it’s has something to do with the way her generation was brought up.

I on the other hand want to make my children a part of my life. I want for them to see me as a real person – not just someone who goes to work, cooks meals and makes sure they have clean clothes on their backs. I want them to know about my fears, interests, feelings, hopes, dreams, failures. I want my journal to be the medium through which they discover who I am.

I think it’s going to be an interesting project for me as well. It’s not going to be the normal, run-off-the-mill journaling I have done in the past – today I did this, tomorrow I’ll do that, today I feel like this etc etc. It’ll be a journey of discovery for me too. Things I plan to include in it are –

Poems
Sketches (I don’t draw very well but hey, that’s part of the fun)
Snippets of news or newspaper clippings
Random observations
Music I like
Photographs
A family tree
My hopes and dreams
… and lots more

I want to create a journal which I would have loved my own mother to have written and given me to read.

Happy Feet

2007-01-03T11:12:00.000Z

I went to the cinema yesterday with my husband and daughter, who is almost four, to watch Happy Feet. Big mistake. Twenty minutes into the movie she declared it was boring and proceeded to busy herself with constantly asking to go to the toilet, requesting for more popcorn, trying to stretch out across the seats and finally, enquiring every 5 minutes ‘is it over yet?’. It was her first ever visit to the cinema and it will be her last for the next couple of years.

I don’t blame her for coming to the conclusion that it was boring. It was plain to see why. It was very grown up with jokes that would fly over any four year olds head. Even a ten year old will struggle a bit with the jokes and double entendres. But that seems to be the trend these days; most of the animated movies are targeted more at the adults than the kids.

As for me? Well, I am not quite sure how I feel about the movie. I loved the soundtrack because it took me back to the good old days, and the theme of the film was good as well – over fishing and how it affects the animals who share the planet with us. But there was something a bit off putting about watching penguins sing. I am not a big fan of birds and to watch one of their species singing at me from a huge screen for almost two hours left me feeling a bit overwrought. And it didn’t help that the main character, Mambo, reminded me of a friend’s husband who has that clumsy air about him. Will I be watching it again? I don’t think so

The New Year

2007-01-02T16:43:00.000Z

A fresh page, new start
Twelve months lie ahead filled with
Anticipation

Destination

2006-12-31T17:35:00.000Z

I am sure I have heard it said somewhere, and I quote very loosely, that ‘…it is not in the destination, it is in the journey.’ I couldn’t agree more.

The word destination has a finality about it and to reach ones destination - either of a goal, a dream, an aspiration or a long nursed hope – suggests that you have reached the end, there is no place left to go. This frightens me – the thought of having no place left to go, no more options open to me. Fini, Ende, Period.

Ah, but a journey – the word alone suggests wonder, discovery, experimentation, exploration, venturing into the unknown. It signifies growth, learning, change.

I realise now that I never want to reach a destination. Sure I want to work towards something, but I never want that something to come to an end. I want my life to be one endless journey – going down mysterious roads, falling over, picking myself up, trying out new things, making changes, realizing those changes don’t work, then making new changes.

And for this reason, I have determined that for 2007 I shall not be making any resolutions. Resolutions are all about reaching destinations – lose 30lbs by March, quit my job by August and so on, but imagine making 2007 one long journey of (self) discovery. So instead of saying lose 30lbs by March, you say try a new fruit, walk in the park more often, give olive oil a try and so forth. All new things to try but which, hopefully will lead you to your goal but in a creative, exploratory and fun way. Think about it.

May 2007 be YOUR year of exploration, discovery and wonder. May you never reach a destination.

Journey well…

Happy New Year everybody.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 203

2006-12-27T18:38:00.000Z

1. Terrify :: me
2. Month :: calender
3. Throat :: deep (sorry! :-D)
4. Invasion :: of the body snatchers
5. Nail :: biting
6. 12 :: inch
7. Bicker :: family
8. Thomas :: the tank engine
9. Sibling :: rivialry
10. Delude :: yourself

Change

2006-12-27T18:30:00.000Z

It was really uncanny when I saw this weeks’ prompt because on Thursday morning as I stood underneath the shower I made a promise to myself. In 2007, I promised, I shall not make any resolutions rather; it will be my year of Change. I will not have a long list of things which I tick off along the way instead, I shall effect small but important changes which will have a significant impact on and in my life over the next 12 months.

You see, I never quite fulfill my resolutions, and on the 31st of each year they stare at me accusingly from off the page on which I had written them 365days prior. I feel guilty, I feel annoyed, I feel like I have failed… yet again. I am tired of feeling like this every years end.

The one question I ask myself as 2007 looms is - Which habits do I need to change to move me one step further to where I want to be?

I shall not resolve to lose 10kg before the end of March but I will change my eating habits by taking one less bread roll or walking to the grocery store instead of hopping into the car for the 2 minute drive.

I shall not resolve to read the Bible in a year but I will change the way I read it – reading one chapter only a day and if it takes me 3 years to finish it, then I would have accomplished my mission.

You see, my life does not need resolutions, it need Change. A Change in my habits, a Change in the way I view life (no, the universe is not out to get me), a Change in the way I perceive myself and my abilities, a Change in the way I deal with people, a Change in my personal relationships and my relationship with God, a Change in my thinking.

And these changes cannot be achieved in one year – which (mainly) is the deadline for the achievement of resolutions. Change takes time. It’s taken almost 37 years to make me what I am today, so what makes me think I can undo the person I have become in just one year?

So I raise my glass to change and echo the words of Oprah who says

Making a different choice gives you the opportunity to live a different life.

Happy New Year in advance everyone!

Weathering/Aging

2006-12-27T16:02:00.000Z

Fine lines proudly worn

Feathery patterns of life

My road maps of time

Perfect medium rare steak

Bite into it chomp down, bliss

Crunch! Just lost a tooth

Storms

2006-12-20T14:00:00.000Z

Grey green restless sea
Was your final resting place
A watery grave

This Haiku has been written for a friend of mine who drowned at sea.

The high winds whistle

Leaves show their underbellies

A fragile refuge

Many Thanks

2006-12-06T13:33:00.000Z

Thank you to everyone who left comments asking after my health. I’m really touched by your concern.

I have had a very rough 7/8 weeks – fatigue, morning sickness and general lethargy. As a result of this, my creative juices are just not what they used to be. On the days I don’t work, I lie around the house reading trashy magazines as that’s all my brain seems to be able to absorb at the moment, much to my hubby’s disapproval. I have really missed taking part in Sunday Scribblings and I could almost cry as no ideas pop into my head as I read the weeks’ prompt.

I am now 13 weeks pregnant and the nausea still doesn’t seem to be letting up. I am getting really fed up with it as I have always prided myself on being a very up-and-go-never-sick sort of person. So being in this state has really left me in a very unfamiliar place. I am hoping, as all the books tell me, that in the next couple of weeks I will be back to my normal self and I can start to actually enjoy my pregnancy.

I honestly didn’t realise that I’d being away for this long – the time has really flown by. Although I only leave the occasional comment, I do visit all your blogs on an almost daily basis. Reading what’s going on in your lives keeps me upbeat and connected. I promise not to stay away for so long. Blessings…

Burnt Out

2006-11-06T08:12:00.000Z

So three days into NaBloPoMo and I’ve crashed and burnt. But quite frankly there was nothing I could have done about it. I have been really, really sick these last few days. My morning sickness is not abating if anything, it’s getting worse. It’s wearing me out and leaving me frazzled so much so that the last thing I want to do is sit in from of my PC blogging. The creative side of my brain is on hiatus as well. I’ll still try and post but I can’t make any promises.

Morning

2006-11-03T20:46:00.000Z

I open my eyes and find its early morning
I can see the first rays of light
Coming through the windows
I lower my eyes and watch you sleeping
You look so beautiful and at peace
Sleeping there beside me
And my heart almost bursts with my love for you
This is the picture of you
I carry with me always
My beautiful lover asleep in my bed

And I pretend that when you awake
You’ll hold me in your arms
And tell me how much I mean to you
And how you’ll never let me go
And I in turn will promise you
My everlasting love
And then we’ll make slow sweet love
And lay in each other’s arms
Till the evening comes
But all this happens in my mind only

In reality…
I open my eyes and find its early morning
Because I can see the rays of light
Coming through the windows
I lie stiffly beside you
Fearing I would wake you if I turn
But I need not worry
You awake presently with a little grunt
Then you turn and look at me
And ask why I’m staring at you in such a funny way
I lower my eyes and give no reason
No time will ever be right
To tell you how much I love you
So I don’t even bother to try

You switch on the radio
And drift in and out of light sleep
Suddenly with a start you sit up
Drawing the covers around your body
The same body which you let me
Look upon so freely the night before
Now I in turn feel embarrassed at my nakedness
But I understand
That was last night
And this is early morning
You have ceased to belong to me

You search for your watch or ask me the time
I tell you its half past eight
With a muttered curse and one quick movement
You’re out of bed and climbing into your jeans
You’re pulling on your shirt
And grabbing my toothbrush
In less than seven minutes
You’re dressed and ready to go
I give you a bright smile
And pretend I don’t care
With not a goodbye kiss
But a carefree ‘I’ll see you sometime’
You open my door and you’re gone

I have no right to ask
If I’ll see you later or tomorrow
You ceased to give me that privilege a long time ago
I’m left empty and confused
All I know is that sometime next week
There’ll be a knock on my door
And there you’ll be
Smiling brightly at me
You’re arrived for our weekly coupling
And we’ll go through the same cycle
When early morning comes

This poem, which I entitled 'Early Morning', was written some 15 years ago but I think it fits in nicely with this weeks' prompt.

Whats in Your Handbag?

2006-11-03T20:42:00.000Z

I was looking at my handbag today and it struck me that as innocent as it appears to be it contains a small fortune and should I ever, God forbid, be mugged it would make for one happy mugger.

The bag I carry at the moment is a relatively cheap one from The Gap made from canvas and cost me all of £5 in the sale, but take a look inside and you’ll find it contains a small treasure trove. In it you’ll find my

Mobile Phone £100
iPod £300
Credit card £2500
Debit Card £500

Other bits and bobs – make-up bag, ID, house keys, drivers license, various store point cards, address book – which are all priceless to me.

When you work it out it’s a small fortune being carried around in a £5 handbag.

What are your handbag contents worth?

Day 3: NaBloPoMo

A Cop Out and A Plan of Action

2006-11-02T09:59:00.000Z

Okay. I have to admit that my first post for NaBloPoMo was a bit of a cop out. I posted a poem I wrote, oh, perhaps 15 years ago or so but I knew if I didn’t post something, I was in dire danger of not posting anything at all. You see, I have been as sick as a dog.

Being 8 weeks pregnant, morning sickness has not been kind to me at all. My days are consumed with walking a mine field of foods I can and cannot stomach (pardon the pun) and its tough going. And along with the contents of my stomach, I seem to flush away a bit of my brain down the toilet each time. I am also plagued with exhaustion and all I want to do is just lie in bed and vegetate. And the below zero temperatures that have suddenly hit the West Midlands is not helping matters either.

But enough of the moaning – at least I posted something.

I’ve been wondering if I want to theme my postings for NaBloPoMo but I don’t think so as I cannot imagine a single theme being able to hold my attention (and those of my few loyal readers) for the next 30days. So I think I shall cover a variety of random subjects over the next month – and perhaps make a list of the subjects to post on each day to help me out like this other blogger has done. Talk about being organized, huh?

And to all NaBloPoMo - ers – have you taken a look at the final list of all the participants????????????? OMG! My initial plan was to visit every participant’s blog each day, leaving comments here and there but after taking a look at the list that plan has gone straight out of the window. There are 400+ bloggers taking part. Can you imagine reading each and every post of each and every participant each and every day? The mere thought of it makes my mind boggle.

Day 2: NaBloPoMo

Lying Seasons

2006-11-01T20:51:00.000Z

We met upon one midnight blue
And both swore that we’d be true
But even as we kissed with drawn out sighs
We both knew those words were lies

We met upon a summer’s gale
And made those same oaths again and again
But as we turned from each other we smiled
For once again we had just both lied

We met upon the season’s fall
Over by the flower section of the market stall
You bought a rose for the beauty on your arm
And I got an orchid from my prince so full of charm

We met upon one wintery night
And laughed at how we both had lied
And when we stopped we laid to rest
The empty promises we’d made in jest

Day one: For NabloPoMo

101 in 1001 - An Update

2006-10-25T10:51:00.000+01:00

I haven’t forgotten my list. In fact there are a few more things I can cross off it:

Body and Health

*Join a Pilates class – Done!

Yes, I have! And boy, it’s a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be. I thought it was just a lot of gentle stretching exercises, which it is, but you stretch to the max! I was all aches and pains when the class was over. Makes me realise just how unfit I am.

Family – Daughter

Enrol her in Ballet Classes – Done!

And I am so glad I did. She absolutely loves it and she looks adorable in her little pink leotards and silky pick tutu. I stand by the studio doors with a silly smile slapped on my face watching her for the duration of the lesson. Hey, but so are all the other mums!

Family – Husband

Have another baby – Done! (well almost...)

I am now 7 weeks pregnant. Need I say more? But if you really want me to, go here.

*Note to self: Must remember to discuss the safety of Pilates during pregnancy with the instructor.

National Blog Posting Month

2006-10-25T10:21:00.000+01:00

So, I have signed up for NaBloPoMo with starts next month.

‘NaBloPoMo is an alternative to November's NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, the program wherein you crank out a novel in thirty days.’

I am really looking forward to it as I enjoyed the last (self imposed) challenge of writing 100 words a day for 30 days.

To read all about it go here and sign up!

Unconscious Mutterings : Week 194

2006-10-23T13:11:00.000+01:00

Stuff :: useless
Block :: ice
Ingredient :: main
Flagrant :: lie
Dandruff :: head and shoulders
Betty :: Midler
Tide :: sea
Judges :: robes
Take it easy :: okay?
Chef :: TV

Good

2006-10-20T10:51:00.000+01:00

It was good, he said, for them to get together
He was the high school heartthrob
She was the high school beauty
Together they would make a great team

It was good, he said, to cut class once in a while
The world was passing them by
While they sat stuck in a classroom
At their age it was all about freedom not books

It was good, he said, for them to have sex
They would make music together
They would fit perfectly
After all everyone was doing it

It was good, he said, to get rid of it
At seventeen who wants to be lumbered with a baby
Their lives stretched ahead of them
Why ruin it because of one mistake

It was good, he said, to go to the party
Never mind if her parents didn’t consent
Sneak out when everyone is fast asleep
And meet me at the corner by the willow tree

It was good, he said, to be bad once in a while
To borrow dads car with out permission
Without a licence
That’s what life is about, taking risks, living on the edge

It was good, he said, to have a little drink
To take a little pill
To get a little high
To get a little wild

It was all good, he said, he wasn’t drunk
Get in the car, turn the music up
Wind the windows down
Feel the speed, the wind in your hair

They were found an hour later
Wrapped around a tree
A violent end to two young lives
And that wasn’t so good after all.

Plus One More

2006-10-19T11:15:00.000+01:00

I don’t think I can hold this news in any longer or else I will burst!

I am Pregnant with my second child!!!!!!!!!

It been a long two year journey to get here but get here we did in the end. Now where do I start?

When my daughter was a year and a half I finally made the conscious decision that I was ready to have another baby – before that I just wasn’t ready. I had found it difficult to cope being a first time mom and in hindsight I think I suffered a bit from post natal depression.

After about a year of trying nothing had happened. I began to wonder if anything was the matter – after all I got pregnant the first time without even thinking about it. Could it be the fact that I went on the Pill after I’d had my first child? Am I not relaxed enough (why does everyone tell you to ‘relax’ when you are trying for a baby?)? Have I put on weight? Am I too old? All sorts of thoughts were swirling around my head. Then in November of last year, bingo, I got pregnant but sadly I miscarried a few weeks later. However this helped get the ball rolling.

The next 10 months were filled with endless medical tests being carried out on me and my husband. Urine tests, sperm tests, blood tests, external scans, internal scans, internal examinations, and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). On my medical notes, I was put in the category of Secondary Infertility. By this time any passion between the sheets had become a mechanical chore. There is something about trying for a baby for a long time and nothing happening that acts as a real passion killer. You get to a stage where you ask yourself what the point is.

But I think what I hated the most was

Constantly being asked by people, ‘So when is number two coming?’ and

Having the fact pointed out to me that I already had a beautiful little girl so I should be grateful.

Both situations elicited the same response from me, Piss Off! But I never voiced it of course; I just smiled through very tight lips and changed the subject.

(Listen, if you have a friend or sister who is trying for a child, please, please do not keep asking when number two is coming, or reminding them of what they already have.)

At the end of all these tests, the results showed that both my husband and I were okay. There was a slight possibility that I may have ovarian cysts but this turned out to be a false alarm (thank goodness).

I had my final visit with my Consultant Gynaecologist in September and I was prescribed a four month supply of the drug Clomid. All we now had to do was wait for my next period, take one Clomid tablet a day for five days and have lots of sex for the next twelve. Sounds fun, huh?

Within me, I balked at the idea of having to take a drug to get pregnant – I wanted to get pregnant naturally. But I had no choices left open to me. Prayers had long since ended and resignation had slowly but surely set in.

So I clutched my prescription for my Clomid and headed for the nearest pharmacy with the words of my consultant ringing in my ears:

‘Just chill out (yes she said that *smile*), relax (oh no) and the next time I see you, I want to see you with a baby.’ But (there is always a but) she added, ‘If after four months you are still not pregnant, we will have to refer you to the infertility clinic.’

Cheery news. What baffled me all the way through the numerous tests was how a perfectly normal fertile woman like myself, could suddenly become infertile.

I brought home the little white cardboard box with the word CLOMID printed on it in bold blue letters and sat it on my shelf and waited for my next period to arrive. And I waited, and waited and waited.

10 days late I dared to let this thought creep into my head ‘Could I be pregnant?’ It was a quiet thought but it carried so much hope. I approached my stash of pregnancy test strips (I had ordered hundreds of them during the period I was undergoing all those tests) and pulled out one of the white foil packets. Oh, how many times had I done this and gotten a negative result which left me devastated every time?

I tore open the foil packet, took a wee sample, and stuck the test strip into it and squeezed my eyes shut; please, please, please, please, please. Five seconds later, I pulled out the strip. I watched the wee soak its way up the strip past the control line and past the test line. Yes, there was the control line – a bright red – but wait, there was a SECOND LINE – the test line! POSITIVE!! I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t.

I so didn’t believe it that over the next four days I carried out four more pregnancy tests which all gave me the same results. At last, I could believe it. Then and only then did I break the news to my husband. We had done it and without Clomid!

Needless to say, we are both very happy and I wanted to share some of that happiness with you.

And for those of you who caught on to my unusual Haiku of simple pleasures (now you know why it was a simple pleasure for me) and congratulated me, thank you very much.

One Day in History

2006-10-17T21:07:00.000+01:00

This morning listening to BBC Radio 4, I caught the tail end of what I thought would be a very interesting project to participate in, being discussed. It’s a project called One Day in History and it…’ is a one off opportunity for you to join in a mass blog for the national record. We want as many people as possible to record a 'blog' diary which will be stored by the British Library as a historical record of our national life…’

This mass blog will only be open for today October 17, 2006.

The idea held immediate appeal for me so I decided to be a part of it and record my own One Day in History and here is the entry I submitted.

At 6 a.m I was rudely awoken by a mechanical voice telling me to ‘Stand clear, vehicle reversing’. Yes, it is Tuesday morning and the bin men from the local council were doing the weekly rubbish collection. I sleepily looked out of the window and I was slightly ashamed to notice that mine was the only house not proudly displaying the council’s big green plastic recycle box full of empty milk bottles and food tins. Now all my neighbors will know that I just chuck all my bottles and tins out with my ordinary rubbish. I make a mental note and resolve to do the right thing next week and put all recyclable stuff in their proper box.

Although still pitch dark, my 3 ½ year old daughter wakes up so that spells the end of a possible lie-in for me (it’s my day off work) so I bundle both of us up in our dressing gowns and house shoes and make our way downstairs. I give her her morning cup of milk and settle her down in front of the TV to watch the Disney Channel (yes, I am one of those twenty-first century mums who thinks the TV makes a really good substitute for a babysitter. And I make no apologies for it) while I go down to my home office to check my emails, my blogs (have any new comments been left?) and have a quick browse through some of my favorite blogs to see if their owners have updated them.

10:30 a.m sees us at the local primary school round the corner from where I live. They are having an Open Day and my husband and I are there to have a look around as next September our daughter will be starting school and this school may be one of our choices. A brief chat with the head teacher and a 45 minute tour round the school and it’s time to leave. I am slightly disappointed by what I see (I had heard so much about this school so my expectations were rather high) and start discussing the possibility of private schooling for our daughter with my husband. We decide to call up some private schools and book appointments to visit them next week.

Between 12 noon and 2 p.m I make lunch for my daughter, Dyson (vacuum) the house thoroughly, mop the floors, send my daughter up for her afternoon nap and finally fall exhausted in front of the TV where I proceed to watch the Crime Investigation channel. The next time I look at the clock I see that it’s 3:30 pm – I had fallen asleep in front of the TV! We’ve been invited round to a friend for a late lunch so I decide to start getting ready. Daughter wakes up shortly and I get her dressed as well.

4:30 pm and we are at our friends house enjoying an Eastern Nigerian delicacy and talking about nothing in particular. All in all it’s a warm and enjoyable evening and even the kids are getting along wonderfully. Two and a half hours later we say our good-byes and make our way back home.

For the next hour after I get home, I give my daughter a bath, I have my own shower and I sit down to finish this write up of ‘My One Day in History’.

Clueless

2006-10-16T07:46:00.000+01:00

There are times when I marvel at just how clueless my husband sometimes is.

He woke me from my afternoon nap to tell me he was taking our daughter out to the Botanical Gardens for a couple of hours. I grunted an acknowledgement and was about to roll over to continue my journey into la-la land when a thought struck me. My eyes flew open and I asked;

‘What does N have on?’

‘Some clothes’.

‘I know that. Which ones?’ I retort rather forcefully.

‘Her brown trousers and a green T-shirt’

I did a mental scan of her clothes collection and couldn’t think of a pair of brown trousers she had that were worth going out in. Thankfully, my daughter decided to come upstairs to give me a good-bye kiss and I am so glad she did. I couldn’t believe my eyes when she walked into my bedroom.

My DH had dressed her in a pair of trousers two sizes too small, riddled with juice and playground bark stains, a green T-shirt which was riding half way up her belly and her rainbow coloured cardigan which for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how it fit in with the rest of the outfit. She looked awful.

‘Where you really planning to take her out looking like that?!’ I asked incredulously.

You see, what baffles me is that for 3 ½ yrs he has watched me dress our daughter up day in day out in clothes that I’d like to think are mostly presentable and sometimes even trendy so why, oh why, hasn’t he picked up a few things along the way? Then I realised that he doesn’t have a clue about her clothes. He probably thinks that the chest of drawers standing in the corner of her room houses my flower bulbs. It is amazing to me that he would rather take her out looking like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards than spend five extra minutes looking for clothes in her drawers that fit and match!

In the end, I had to get out of bed, rip off the offending rags that she had on and put her into more presentable clothes. And what did DH have to say?

‘Oh, that looks much better.’

Oomph!

Simple Pleasures

2006-10-16T07:05:00.000+01:00

1.
Four pregnancy tests
All show me double blue lines
Success, baby's here!

2.
Sunflowers blooming
On a dull October day
Puddles of sunshine

If I could stop time...

2006-10-14T22:32:00.000+01:00

If I could stop time, I would have stopped it in my early twenties. This was the age at which I was foot loose and fancy free and the word ‘Responsibility’ didn’t feature in my dictionary. But above all else, this was the age at which I could put anything through my lips and not live in mortal fear of seeing the consequences of my unhealthy choices reflected back at me in the mirror the next day.

Let’s just say my body has changed since then. For one thing it has gradually become very unforgiving when I make bad lifestyle choices (too much butter and I have spots the next day, too little sleep and I can’t function past 12 noon) and for another, its metabolic rate is just not what it used to be. Now the thing is, my head grasps this little fact but my mind refuses to acknowledge it which leaves me in a very precarious position as most of the time I tend to listen to my mind.

You see, my mind still believes that a slice of cheese cake or a hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream will soon work its way out of my system. And when my head tries to butt in, my mind tells me Nah! Don’t worry; go ahead you’ll be fine. And I actually listen to it!

My body has rebelled you see. The only place the consumption of such treats (alas, at this stage of my life they have become treats, in my twenties they were called Staple Diet) work their way to is my hips, bum and thighs. I used to be a svelte size 8 (US 4) but now I’m a … well, lets just say I have moved a few notches up into double figures and whenever my husband dares to comment on my now curvy figure I quickly remind him that this body has carried a baby for nine months, gone through 10 hours of labour and has breast fed for 3 months so I can be excused if it’s looking a little worse for wear.

But the good news it that although I do miss my slimmer days sometimes, I don’t obsess about it. I love what I’ve got and I’m learning to live with it. So there!!

And the super power I would grab out of the bag? WILL POWER.

Countryside

2006-10-11T09:43:00.000+01:00

1.
Narrow winding lanes
Look left, look right, left again
A hedgehog crossing

2.
Driving past green fields
Windows down breathing fresh air
Lovely smell of dung

For One Deep Breath

An Assignment: The Coat

2006-10-08T07:49:00.000+01:00

It was her coat that first grabbed my attention. It was so different – unique – from the sea of sameness surrounding me that I couldn’t help but be drawn to it. There was nothing remarkable about the style of the coat – a basic cut – but it was the fabric, the tailoring and its fit that made it stand out.

It was a cream coat with thin black horizontal stripes running through the length of it, with a round collar, chunky black buttons down its front, two side pockets and a belted waist. Intrigued by this item of clothing, I quickened my pace and caught up with the wearer by the pedestrian traffic lights which thankfully had just turned red.

As we stood waiting for the lights to turn green, I turned my attention to the lady standing beside me wearing this coat that had caught me by surprise. She was a woman in, perhaps, her late forties early fifties and I hazard a guess that she probably did not have children. I don’t know why I concluded this but there was something about her that gave me the impression that she didn’t have children. I also felt that she was single – either widowed or divorced. Maybe it was her demeanour that gave off these impressions.

She had steely grey hair – a lovely shade of silver with black streaks in it – which was very well cut. Her make up was discreet. She was not a beautiful woman but she made the most of her features – in a way that made her arresting. It was obvious that she took good care of herself.

The buttons of her coat stopped midway down her thighs leaving a few inches to the knee open which flapped back in the breeze. I could just make out a cream coloured knee length full skirt underneath. She had obeyed the fashion rule that ones coat should always be the same length as the dress or skirt underneath. She had on cream coloured flat pumps. Funnily enough, I didn’t notice if she had been carrying a handbag or not.

As I stood by her for those brief minutes waiting to cross the road, her cool elegance and self assurance make me feel ungainly and clumsy. I felt my back straighten involuntarily, I self consciously tucked that stray hair blowing in the wind behind my ear. I wished I had taken the time to put on some lipstick. My brown leather driving shoes suddenly seemed scruffy. I had the mad urge to scream – Notice me! Notice me!

The lights changed and I was surprised to see that we were headed to the same shop – House of Fraser – and she was right behind me. I held the door open for her, she said thank you, and as suddenly as she had appeared by those traffic lights she was gone.

I was really caught off guard by her presence because in a world were most women tend to look the same it was refreshing to see someone following her own style and sticking two fingers up at the ‘what’s in and what’s not’ experts. She reminded me so much of the Parisian women. And I thought to myself, that’s the sort of woman I would want to be. Not her life per se because I no nothing of the life she may be leading, but her aura - Self assured, elegant and following her own rules. It’s the effect she had on me that I would most like to possess – the ability to unnerve not in a bad way, but rather in a way where people – strangers – sit up and notice without me even trying.

I am looking for a cream coat with black horizontal stripes.

Letting Go

2006-10-05T12:34:00.000+01:00

Last night, I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and I lay awake for many hours tossing and turning. My head was filled with thoughts of my childhood best friend. She got married in the last couple of weeks and I got to see photos of the wedding yesterday. The ceremony was a mix of Buddhist and western traditions. She looked radiant.

Looking through the photos brought home to me just what different paths our lives have taken and I physically hurt at the knowledge of how far away the friendship we once shared with each other now is. Almost like it never existed. How could two people who once shared so much in common have grown so far apart – so different – from one another? It this what time and distance does to a friendship? I sometimes wonder if I dreamt it all up but then I see the photographs of the two of us together at 4, 5, 6 ….12 years old and I am reassured that it wasn’t all a dream.

I know our friendship is gone now replaced by, well, I am not quite sure what. Too many miles separate us for anything more than the snippets of our lives that we share on the rare occasions that we see, to develop. There is nothing that binds us together anymore. Not our beliefs, not our lifestyle choices, not mutual friends. Nothing. Only Memories.

I miss her.

Bread?

2006-10-05T05:36:00.000+01:00

Wheat Flour, Water, Yeast, Salt, Vinegar, Soya Flour, Vegetable Fat, Emulsifier (Mono and Diacetyltartaric Acid Esters of Mono and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids), Fermented Wheat Flour, Flour Treatment Agent (Ascorbic Acid).

All this in a simple loaf of store bought bread. It’s time to unearth my bread maker and start baking my own bread again. I least I know what goes into that.

100 Words - Last Post

2006-10-04T09:36:00.000+01:00

Just over a month and 37 posts later, it’s time to move on. It’s been challenging and frustrating because sometimes 100 words are just not enough! I am glad I did it and proud that I was disciplined enough to see it through. I am searching for another project to turn to. I am toying with the idea of participating in the 40X365 project – but I am unsure about it. It is a deeply personal project and the last thing I would want to do is hurt anyone. So until I make up my mind I shall blog at random.

(100 Words)

Ancient Wisdom

2006-10-03T22:34:00.000+01:00

I have this unexplainable urge to open up my Bible and read it. I haven’t had this urge in a long, long time and feeling this way makes me realise just how much I have missed what used to be a daily practice for me. The bible fascinates me - more so finding ways to apply its lessons to my daily life and relationships with people. Largely, my bible sits on my bedside table gathering dust. Unread, untouched and not given much thought except to use it as a paper weight for all the glossy magazines I favour reading instead.

(100 Words)